Posts Tagged With: feelings

The Circle of Excuses

You hear often of people wasting the present because they are so concerned with the past. A life full of “what if”s or “if only”s. I too used to live that way for most of my life. If only I hadn’t acted that way at that party, if only I hadn’t said that to him, what if I texted him a little earlier or later…
I got tired of all that. I grew tired of looking into the past and fretting over things that could never be fixed. So I moved my attention to the future. I have become fixated on making the perfect future. Except, now, I am so focused on my plans and what I will do that I forget to live in the now. To enjoy the moments I have now.

And it’s not even like I plan accordingly and stick to it, I plan out something with a half-assed effort and then the deadline passes and I begin to plan for the next deadline. I’ve become too sloppy, too lazy, in my efforts to begin. I waste time and money. I become disappointed in myself.

And no matter how many apps I try to find to make me be more responsible, to help guide me back on the right path (budgeting apps, exercise apps, reminder apps), nothing works. Because the problem is me. I am the one who has problems focusing on one task, particularly the one in front of me. I find myself constantly searching for something- a better me, perhaps? Something to make me better. It’s useless, I soon realize. It’s a giant circle that I know I’m walking in and one I choose not to stop walking, though I blame something else. You know the circle.

That’s it! I’ve decided to lose weight! I’ll start slowly. I’ll go on walks. Oh, today I’m tired. I’ll take the day off and rest. Tomorrow I’ll walk again. Oh, I’m still tired. This can’t be right. I need to exercise in order to feel better. But I am so tired and depressed. Oh, I’ll just go sleep. Oh, dear. No time for exercise. Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because you’re fat. Well, I’ll just exercise. But I’m so tired. And Oh, I have no money. I need to budget. I will start budgeting tonight! I will lay it out. Oh, hi! Yes, I have no plans tonight. Dinner? Sounds great! What time? Perfect!

And on and on this goes. I’m wasting time. I’m wasting my life. My precious life. The one I waited for so much when I was young, is quickly racing by. And I have nothing to show for it. I am no longer a young kid. I am no longer a young adult. I need to stop wasting time and get moving. Both physically and mentally. Put down the phone. Make a list. Start checking things off. It’s time. Now is the time.

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The Butterfly

I’m not sure if it’s normal of all women, all people, people living abroad, etc, but throughout the month I go through periods of mood swings. Naturally, at that time of the month, I find myself depressed and that every tiny thing causes me to doubt myself, my existence, my everything. It lasts for about two weeks, oddly enough. It’s a fog really. They say people who are depressed literally do see the whole world in a shade of gray. And that’s exactly how it feels. I feel that I am a horrible worker, who can’t do any project right. Or that I’m unattractive, because many women just generally feel this way. Or that there’s a flaw in my personality. I get down about my language ability and it’s a constant source of frustration. I feel excluded from many things, such as work conversations or jokes, etc. And this isn’t always their fault, it’s mine too for not studying more when I know I should.

But then, the fog clears and you feel normal. Not that you care about any in particular, but things don’t particularly affect you as much as they did during the fog. The fact that someone hasn’t immediately responded to my text message doesn’t mean that they hate me and don’t feel like talking to me. Perhaps they are busy. Perhaps I just don’t give a flying-. And when I’m in the shower at the YMCA, I look in the mirror. I see that while I’m fat, I’m not as fat as I was. I see the progress I’ve made. I see the sexiness that is and that is still possible. That soon quickly gets crushed by girls who walk in with their small little waists and cute butts. But then I see some with no boobs, or droopy boobs, or flat butts. And I feel better. Mine do that too! And it’s comforting. And the fact that I’m excluded from stuff at work is their fault sometimes too, not mine. They don’t want to take advantage of my vast knowledge of useless information. Or acknowledge that I know some Korean. Or truly get to know me more than one day. They’d be lucky to see how fun and happy and talkative I can be. Yes, I talk about strange things sometimes. But it’s better than complaining about things all the time. And I’m good at Korean but I will get better.

My moods feel like the butterfly stroke in swimming. There’s the wave, the up and down wave of the body, in and out of the water. My head constantly feels like this loud happiness, this breath of air, then back into this suffocating drowned out filtered noise with an ugly bottom. A soft kick and a strong kick, to propel you forward and keep you going. Sometimes you have the energy and sometimes you don’t. But after 25 meters, there’s usually an end. And what a relief it is. But then you remember you have to go back. Again through the water. Life is like a butterfly stroke. Tiring, but somehow satisfactory because of once you’ve done it, you can look back at how magnificient you must’ve been doing it.

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A moment in time…

After many months of not seeing him for longer minutes outside of class, I was finally able to see M, even if it was only for 30minutes due to class. And although he was drunk, Im so glad I saw him that way.Thats the way I like him most. When he reaches for my hand, touches my face, says how much he missed me, it drives me.crazy. Its everything I want to hear and have. And yet, the moment is fleeting.  I have class and he also has a girlfriend waiting. Things will never be the same between us due to her and I know this. A small part of me curses her but I know there is someone out there for me. I just have to be strong. But for now, all I have are my sweet memories. I wish I knew how to define these feelings. I dont know if its love. I dont think it is. Perhaps a longing for what we shared. I just need to hold out a little longer until I meet my one. They will come. I just wish meeting M wasnt so bittersweet.

Time to focus on class. Last day of the month tomorrow. Busy busy busy. Lots of prep to do.

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