Posts Tagged With: change

The Circle of Excuses

You hear often of people wasting the present because they are so concerned with the past. A life full of “what if”s or “if only”s. I too used to live that way for most of my life. If only I hadn’t acted that way at that party, if only I hadn’t said that to him, what if I texted him a little earlier or later…
I got tired of all that. I grew tired of looking into the past and fretting over things that could never be fixed. So I moved my attention to the future. I have become fixated on making the perfect future. Except, now, I am so focused on my plans and what I will do that I forget to live in the now. To enjoy the moments I have now.

And it’s not even like I plan accordingly and stick to it, I plan out something with a half-assed effort and then the deadline passes and I begin to plan for the next deadline. I’ve become too sloppy, too lazy, in my efforts to begin. I waste time and money. I become disappointed in myself.

And no matter how many apps I try to find to make me be more responsible, to help guide me back on the right path (budgeting apps, exercise apps, reminder apps), nothing works. Because the problem is me. I am the one who has problems focusing on one task, particularly the one in front of me. I find myself constantly searching for something- a better me, perhaps? Something to make me better. It’s useless, I soon realize. It’s a giant circle that I know I’m walking in and one I choose not to stop walking, though I blame something else. You know the circle.

That’s it! I’ve decided to lose weight! I’ll start slowly. I’ll go on walks. Oh, today I’m tired. I’ll take the day off and rest. Tomorrow I’ll walk again. Oh, I’m still tired. This can’t be right. I need to exercise in order to feel better. But I am so tired and depressed. Oh, I’ll just go sleep. Oh, dear. No time for exercise. Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Because you’re fat. Well, I’ll just exercise. But I’m so tired. And Oh, I have no money. I need to budget. I will start budgeting tonight! I will lay it out. Oh, hi! Yes, I have no plans tonight. Dinner? Sounds great! What time? Perfect!

And on and on this goes. I’m wasting time. I’m wasting my life. My precious life. The one I waited for so much when I was young, is quickly racing by. And I have nothing to show for it. I am no longer a young kid. I am no longer a young adult. I need to stop wasting time and get moving. Both physically and mentally. Put down the phone. Make a list. Start checking things off. It’s time. Now is the time.

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Categories: life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Spring in full bloom with changes

Spring has finally sprung!

I’m not sure about the weather back home, but the weather in Korea is absolutely beautiful these days. Of course, we get a slight chill at 10*C, but I think that is hardly something to complain about. Clear skies, some breezes (some stronger than others) and now the cherry blossoms are blooming around Korea. Quite a lovely site to see. I haven’t gone out to see them because they are everywhere, even on my way to work and around my office. And if I want to go to a special place for cherry blossoms, personally, I like to go with others to experience it.

Many people say, “You speak English! You can go anywhere and meet people!” which is true, I must say. I’m fortunate enough to speak English as a native language and so have a somewhat easier time getting around some places than others. But I personally derive pleasure from not just that moment but being able to recall it later with others whom I was with. A bad situation seems more bearable and more hilarious when you are with someone. Alone is seems so daunting and scary. But together, I can conquer anything. So perhaps during the spring or the summer I will take a long weekend and finally go somewhere like Bangkok, Boracay, Okinawa, somewhere like that. Even Tokyo again. Maybe not China due to the expensive visa required (around $140 from what I’ve read, even for 1 day), but I plan on going somewhere. Just to escape.

As far as an update as to what I’m doing, I haven’t been doing much. I had my birthday a few weeks ago and it went by relatively quietly. My coworkers were very kind and gave me Starbucks gift cards (Koreans love to get coffee together after meals and we always do that for lunch. I’m trying to get a gold card at Starbucks. I’m almost there!) and we went to Outback for lunch together. It was nice. I got some messages here and there from some people but none from some people I was hoping to get them from. But I did get them from unexpected people which made me happier.

So that came and went and I’ve just been chugging along, shopping all the way. If you have been in contact with me frequently lately, you’ll have noticed (it’s hard not to) that I’ve become a bit of a shopping addict these days. I’m always shopping for something, buying
something. It’s a lot of ridiculous stuff, but to me it seems essential at the time. It occupies my thoughts and free time, especially at work. And we always have these grand thoughts that with this product, the heavens will part, I will transform into Giselle Bundchen’s slightly sexier twin sister, men will flock to me in stampedes, I will resume my rightful place on some grand throne, and everything will be perfect. However grand that might be, it never seems to happen. It seems to be a way to cope with something. With boredom, for one. With loneliness, two. With unhappiness in myself, three. It’s a vice for many reasons. Fear not, I don’t spend more than I can afford. I’m not the kind that can’t pay the bills and avoids reality due to this addiction. I do put money away. I do pay off bills and on time. And I am making a concerted effort to make sure to use everything I buy completely so as not to feel that I waste my money. I made the habit in the past to buy stuff but never use it for fear that it would be a waste of money to use it up. It’s a waste of money to never use it. And curiousity will always lurk behind.

And although I am lonely, I need to get used to it. Well, getting used to being independent, is the better term. Stop relying on others for my happiness. Try to find activities that interest me completely and make me feel better. When you come out of the relationship that I was in, you question many things about yourself. Who am I? What do I want? What is my voice? What is my opinion? What did I do before them? What are my real interests? What are my real feelings about things? What are my real imperfections? What did they manufacture out of jealousy and shallowness? Life becomes tainted. Social interactions are different. The words out of my mouth are different. So life now is about change. And taking control back, especially after having lost so much control. I am trying to take back that control, over many aspects of my life.

It’s not just an emotional overhaul, but a physical one too. I am more focused on my looks these days. I am losing weight again. I lost 2 kilos in these past two weeks! I just need to keep up with my meal plan and exercise. I am also focusing a lot on beauty, as you can see by my makeup reviews that I might post on here as a way to stress and also get out my urge to help people. So do excuse those. I’m also going out more and being more sociable, meeting more people. Sometimes I get hurt in trusting people too much, but such is life. I was always this kind of outgoing person. Though now I need to learn when to hold back and stop trusting so many people. But I only have today. I want to live with no regrets. That’s the point of my life right now. After living and worry about if I’d see tomorrow or next year, I’ve learned that regrets are the death of me. I will stop worrying about regrets. We all make mistakes. Even big ones. Just do what makes me happy. Who cares what other people think? Just don’t hurt anyone.

Spring is the perfect time for change.

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