Hello, it’s me.

The title sounds quite cliché, however, for some reason, I find it appropriate here. WordPress happily reminded me that it’s been over a year since my last post on this page. It doesn’t feel like it’s been over a year and yet, when I think about it, it really has. I have written drafts of entries, and mulled over what to write here. “It’s been three months, do I pick up where I left off? Do I write a summary of the last few months? Do I put in a newspaper commentary? Where do I begin?” and three months turns into six, turns into 9 and then it grows. I admit, I have this problem with e-mails. I get e-mails (or text messages) and a “I’ll message tomorrow” turns into three days into a week into a month, and this anxiety builds and builds to the point where I don’t know what to do. Will the person be offended if I respond late? Will they be more offended if I don’t respond and feign ignorance? I get wrapped up in these thoughts and they begin to consume me. It drives you mad, honestly. So I am just going to start, and write. I don’t know what, but I will write.

In the time that has passed since my last entry, things have changed, but they haven’t. I say this because, my American life is changing, and changing faster than I can catch up with. But my Korean life stays the same. In America, I have a new nephew, my friends are getting married at an alarming rate and even more children. My newsfeed is littered with pregnancy or baby talk. Breastfeeding is a constant issue, it seems. And I feel somewhat bad since I am in this single-hood, where my life revolves around when the next time I’m meeting up with friends, drinking, what clothes to buy, while my friends worry about issues like buying a house, ways to manage kids behavior and routines and health, etc. The level of connection is separating. It’s hard to keep reading it everyday. Not that I ever really wanted to become a mother and that I envy them (though I am proud of them). I just can’t relate. Nothing I say will be of much help because in one way or another, it will end up being “You don’t have kids of your own, so you can’t understand.” And I really can’t. But I try to understand them. With all that I can. And thus, I feel more and more alienated from my American self and become closer to my “Korean” self.

 

And in my Korean life, things haven’t changed very much. Same job, just people keep coming in and out. Luckily, I do still have constants in my life, though not many. But I appreciate them. I am trying to build this Korean life and Korean “family”, but nothing stays the same. The only thing that seems sure these days? My job. I will update more later on my social life in another post, but my job, my social life, and life in general has brought me down a bit and made me not want to post much, lest I bring others down too. But I realized that I can’t keep having thoughts and nowhere to vent them. I realize some people might read this for the Korean stories, and I will keep them up. But one thing I pride myself on this blog is that, it shows positives and negatives evenly, and not from a one-year teacher point of view, but someone who is completely surrounded by Koreans each and every day. Who is thought of as more Korean than a Korean by my Koreans. It is a tiring position, trust me. But not entirely a bad one. Here’s to another beginning with this blog.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Hello, it’s me.

  1. Kelly

    I love it! We chat but I never get to hear this side of you and that is why I love reading your entries. I read it not just to see the Korean side but to see how you have been doing. It is really interesting to see how you look at your identity and how it has been evolving as time passes. Personally, I feel closer to you because I struggle with the American and Brazilian side of me. You are never just one but you are never just the other either but a mix of two and the mixture changes so many times.

    • I’m glad you enjoy my entries. We do chat, almost everyday, but of course it will be different. I feel closer to you these days as well because of your bilculturalism. I feel like you are one of the few friends who actually have a shred of understanding as to what I’m going through. Even more understanding than my family. You’re right, you’re never just one or the other, but a mixture of the two. And people judge you as a result on both sides. And some people might say “You’re so Brazilian”, you take it as a compliment, while taking it as an insult at the same time. I can’t explain the feeling. But it’s very, very strange.

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