As I you all may know, I work for an Korean company, rather than a private institute. When you work at an institute, some companies allow you to make up your own lesson plan, giving you control of the class, while others give you a pre-set lesson plan that you must follow to a T. Both will you give some independence, though not the same kind. In both you will assume control of the lessons and putting them into practice. You will become masters and respected authorities with each method. At least, that’s the goal, somewhat.

However, a company is very different. I am literally on the lowest peg of the system. I’m often excluded or forgotten about when discussing company stuff. I feel as though I have to watched constantly to make sure my work is good enough, if it’s “Korean enough” and fits their standards. Especially since Koreans have different approaches and standards for education. Any project I do get must have supervision. I can’t do anything by myself. Except maybe check a forum to reply to user comments, though sometimes I have to check if it’s OK to reply. They don’t allow me to be included in learning how to upload my online videos or check the sales and profits of classes. I truly am just a writer.

I feel so strange in this position. I feel like I have little control. Like I’m a child that must never be left alone or else I could hurt myself. It’s slightly understandable since I’m a huge risk to this company. I’m the first one to assume this kind of position here. And I’ve only been here about 6 months. So why should I assume any leadership? It’s just that, I’m so used to being in a leadership role in all my jobs before or at least been able to be left alone to hone my skills that I was able to rise faster. It took at least a year to get good at those jobs before. But I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be like my one coworker.

She’s only been here 3 years but she is like the leader of the department. She takes control of everything, especially this big project. She divides the work and gives out the orders. I admire her a lot. She is very knowledgeable and contributes a lot to the general fabric of the department. I don’t know what we would do without her. I want to be just like her. I don’t mind having a head boss, I don’t want to be department head, per se. I just want to be in-charge of something or an expert at something.

Although I’m technically the “English expert” in the department, they really don’t consult with me very much. They just do their own thing. And generally decide to ignore a bunch of stuff in order to simplify things and not make their head hurt. But by simplifying it, it sometimes feels like an insult. “Just get rid of it~” “Ehhh, just lump it with them!” Those sorts of things. But you can’t just lump it together like that. But they will. To make their work easier. That’s all.

All of this makes me realize that I just need to get better and better at Korean so I can get more self-sufficient. I need to be a lot better so they’ll trust me more. I’m not good enough yet. But there’s always potential. I’m more free than most foreigners, but not free enough. But then again, in Korea, is anyone ever really free? Not really…

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