A return with some reflection

Hi world,

I know it’s been a long while since I’ve posted. You’re probably wondering why and I do have reasons. My life has been uneventful and then very eventful. Quite overwhelming. Just a change of direction in life.

Where do I even begin? Well, since last year, right after I got back from my trip to the US for my friends wedding, I was a bit depressed. I spent a good chunk of money, two weeks of vacation that I wasn’t really supposed to take, and went home for a couple weeks. I got to see some of my friends, which I was very happy to see when I could. I was just a bit sad that everyone’s policy was “Hey, can you come around 6pm when I get off work?” or the weekends. Everyone was just too busy for me. It’s slightly understandable but I had been planning that trip for months and sometimes I think, just one day of your time. Take one day off of work, especially if I’m supposed to be a really great friend, especially if I’ve traveled 6,000 miles to come see them and come see me. But first ask to meet me in their area, not my area. Not all of my friends were like this. But by the second week, I was ready to go back to Korea. It made me question what friendships I had. I was a bit depressed.

Then, I met a boy. Boy started out fine but as time went on, things got bad. Very bad. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t see my Korean friends, I couldn’t meet my students outside of class, I couldn’t leave the house for more than an hour. I was suffocated, used, abused, and tortured. I had to get out. I was going crazy. I was beyond depressed.

And then a ray of hope happened. I got offered a job at another place, a better place. A sort of dream job for foreigners here. But I had to go home to do paperwork and get the visa situated. And so I left. I ran. And I was free. And from then on, things have improved.

I went home for three weeks, traveled to four different states to see people, had a lot of fun and got to see a lot of friends that I’ve missed dearly. I got to meet new people and just relax and breathe, for once in such a long time. I could be me. It was tiring driving everywhere.

Then I went back to Korea and dreaded the idea of it. But it is getting better than I expected. However, I have all this opportunity and I’ve realized what’s most important to me. A companion. I’m so lonely. I have best friends but they are in America and only available before noon KST, and after 11pm. That’s on a good day. But throughout the day, I don’t have anyone else to talk to except for my coworkers. And then I go home and I have no one. I’m alone. We all want to be alone sometimes but always is hard. I’m a social person. I want someone to complain about simple things to. Even if it’s insignificant things, I want someone I can share my days details to. Who shares theirs with me. Someone who understands what I’m going through. And I just don’t have anyone in Korea here for that. My friends are, how do I say “Friends of convenience”? What I mean is, whenever it’s convenient for them to hang out for me, they text me. Not just to say hi or ask how my day is, just whenever they want to hang. I have maybe one friend who isn’t like that but it’s not that often that we talk. But my other friends only call once every 4 months? Maybe? Perhaps once a year. So it’s so hard. Whenever I have the chance to make a friend that could possibly be a good friend, I jump at the chance. I seem almost desperate. And as a result, I make a lot of mistakes. I believe in people too much. I think people will be different.

But every time I realize it’s all the same. They’re all the same. I’m a foreigne. I’m an English & Korean-speaking, white, blonde hair, blue eyed female foreigner. Now what does this mean? I’m different but an interesting different. Like something you see in a museum exhibit. You want to touch it, play with it, and then go back to what you are doing. I am something to brag about to your friends. “I have a foreign friend!” “Oooo! Really??? I’m jealous! I want one too!” so people introduce me to their friends as a way to show off. I’m like a bag. And it’s hard because in the US, I’m not pretty. I’m not special. I’m a fat white girl. I’m ignored by most men. I’m friend-zoned automatically. But when I come here, I’m “Beautiful”, “Smart” and so many other vocabulary words I’ve never heard used at me. But in the end, they all want the same thing. And I’ll let you in on a secret I’ve learned. Supposedly, many Koreans think English teachers are rich and that we can afford lots of things. I learned this after attending a church because of the ex-boyfriend and one person kept asking why I didn’t buy her car of her so easily and why it would take months to save up that money. And my ex-boyfriend wouldn’t frequently steal my credit cards from me while I slept so he could spend it on lots of things, like drinks, women, etc.

So while right now I’m in a supposed paradise with a nice job (though a bit stressful but what job isn’t at first, or ever?), a great apartment (seriously), and enough money to enjoy my life, I don’t have what is most important, the thing I’ve wished for since I was little, companionship.

I try to see the good in people by believing everything they say but I end up being the most gullible person in the world. And look like a desperate fool.

What’s a simple blonde to do?

Oh, and if you would like to hear more about my adventures that I took to Japan, Hong Kong, and Macau after I got back to Korea, let me know. I just might put them up (with pictures!).

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